is screaming that THERE IS NOTHING OK ABOUT ANY OF THIS!

and i know that it has nothing to do with insecurity, emotional or financial instability, or even the fear of needing to know a thing.
because do you know what?
i. KNOW. this. fear.

this fear is so familiar to me. i have spent an entire lifetime avoiding this fear. but i know it. hidden it so deep that its the only thing visible in the darkest times.  but i mercifully know it.

still all i want is to just be o.k.

and then i am reminded that just o.k. is not what i am made to be.... or marked to become...

and yes. i KNOW this, too.  and it is so familiar to me. and i have spent an entire lifetime avoiding this gift. and i know it. and i have hidden it so deep that its the only thing visible in the darkest times. but truthfully i know it.

and then comfort comes even still as everything inside of me is screaming that THERE IS NOTHING OK ABOUT ANY OF THIS!

{  "everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end." –unknown }

"Man, in his weakness and shortsightedness believes he must make choices in this life. He trembles at the risks he takes. We do know fear. But no. Our choice is of no importance. There comes a time when our eyes are opened and we come to realize that mercy is infinite. We need only await it with confidence and receive it with gratitude. Mercy imposes no conditions. And lo! Everything we have chosen has been granted to us. And everything we rejected has also been granted. Yes, we even get back what we rejected. For mercy and truth have met together, and righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.

 "Through all the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist: Give me a chance to do my best. "

"our longing is our pledge, and blessed are the homesick, for they shall come home."

"God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road." 

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."

"It's an odd feeling-farewell-there is some envy in it. Men go off to be tested for courage and if we're tested at all, it's for patience, for doing without, for how well we can endure loneliness."

"One does not travel by plane. One is merely sent, like a parcel."

(Translated from Danish)" — Isak Dinesen (Karen Blixen) (Babette's Feast and Other Anecdotes of Destiny)

....more - http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8147.Isak_Dinesen

Fear of the Inexplicable

" But fear of the inexplicable has not alone impoverished the existence of the individual; the relationship between one human being and another has also been cramped by it, as though it had been lifted out of the riverbed of endless possibilities and set down in a fallow spot on the bank, to which nothing happens. For it is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed: it is shyness before any sort of new,unforeseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope. But only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive and will himself draw exhaustively from his own existence. For if we think of this existence of the individual as a larger or smaller room, it appears evident that most people learn to know only a corner of their room, a place by the window, a strip of floor on which they walk up and down. Thus they have a certain security. And yet that dangerous insecurity is so much more human which drives the prisoners in Poe's stories to feel out the shapes of their horrible dungeons and not be strangers to the unspeakable terror of their abode. We, however, are not prisoners. No traps or snares are set about us, and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us. We are set down in life as in the element to which we best correspond, and over and above this we have through thousands of years of accommodation become so like this life, that when we hold still we are, through a happy mimicry,scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us. We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, those abuses belong to us; are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. " Rainer Maria Rilke  ....i am just TOO aLiVe to be perfect.  perfection IS a form of protection of our fears of what is inexplicable in our lives? R.i.P. Reassurance PeRfecT PROTEST  ...and then i just have to honor this uprooting in me that has occurred merely since yesterday and which i believe may be monumental in marking a new season for me, because i can no longer ignore the rumblings from within or even think that  these words are going to do no less than haunt me evermore ... or until i simply acknowledge this awareness of all that is thoroughly interconnected -  from this particular work of collected words, random thoughts, unintentional happenings, postings from certain sites, peculiar images, and undeveloped ideas - is what causes the rising in my soul to scream for freedom, and in a way that reminds me that this freedom isn't nor hasn't been so far removed that i won't be able to recognize it. it may not be the same freedom that i believe i have and do experience, but it will be a freedom that springs out of me, more faithfully and with a strength that i am sure is beyond everything i have ever known.   for whatever its worth, and with absolute inexplicable belief, today is different, and without any reservation, i am ready to do what ever it takes to make this happen, beginning with every little thing that matters to me.

  My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever.

May all that is unforgiven in you
Be released.

May your fears yield
Their deepest tranquillities.

May all that is unlived in you
Blossom into a future
Graced with love.

...i signed up for my first online e-course that just happens to be titled "Practicing Spirituality with John O'Donohue". really?! it is one of those things that is truly the holy spirit at work on behalf of me. the last entry i wrote here was a blessing from his book "To Bless The Space Between Us". at the time it felt like the best entry to date and that it would be the beginning of a million more but then something got stuck, i kept feeling like my life was on pause and i was waiting for it to be reset to play, but then it wasn't and then that feeling began to settle in and it felt like it would be the last entry that could possibly come out of this being.

that was april.

our life has been in transition since november, mainly due to our decision to scale back so that my husband could begin doing work of his heart. that meant we would need to seriously make some changes in the lifestyle that we currently lived, being very well provided for financially, at least. a quite comfortable, safe, secure, LoVeLy life. i was all over it! this has to be what God wanted for us, we were doing it for the good of the kingdom, for His people. it was true, i was at peace, friends and family were thrown off by how positive i was and that I was not worried. that, we are all familiar with, in me. since the day i was born...well, since the time i started to believe that i needed to be my own protector and provider...it was not me, certainly, not that me. but it was a truer me, and i was A FreaKiN 'live.
until april.
the decisions we were making were not typical of our ways up to this point. basically, we were living day to day, minute to minute fully on God to provide for us. for worriers, which i am, making decisions doesn't come easily...simple choices are usually painfully made, replayed a variety of ways, and monumental once it occurs... then re-evaluated and immediately followed by remorse which is held deeply in reserve, for the upcoming opportunities to be met with indecision and seeking others (typically falling to my husband, but then honestly anyone else trustworthy by my standards and nearby, usually is suitable) help to make decisions, ultimately relying on them to just do the deciding. to be so laissez–faire with some fairly significant changes could be seen as careless and irresponsible at times. two more characteristics of who i am to the core, careFULL and RE-E-esponsible. but again, i knew that it would be okay because this was what kingdom life is meant to be, right?
until april.
for some reason april was the month i was looking forward to, my Estimated Time of Arrival, our lives would be saved just in time. we were not going to lose everything, we were giving it all away, this was going to be our resurrection with Jesus. and i knew with my whole heart that He was going to do it without relocating. time was running out, soon it was the 11th hour. but i know how this part of the story ends. it will be okay. then the 11th hour and 59th second.


oh, no. i know how this part of the story ends

he doesn't take the cup away?

he doesn't take the cup away.

clock strikes 12

oh, no...this is not easter? it's april but its not easter.

...it is good freaking friday

we pack our boxes, a family of 5. no place to go, but the boxes are packed. we had offers from other families to come stay with them, one family has 6 children, has relocated to the inner city, and has been remodeling a warehouse space in hopes of creating a life of community. that could be interesting, what a generous offer but we just need a place to transition, a place to rest, so that we can get on our feet again...we are not looking for a home.

so here it is july, we have been living in a warehouse, in the inner city for nearly 2 months. good days find our family of 5 sharing a table with a family of 8. laundry gets done for 13. children are playing around the clock. the older ones care for the younger ones. men work together. moms share a cup and the cares of our hearts, feeling at home. of course there are moments of discomfort, but then we walk out the door...not to beautiful century old charming homes that have been cared for with children swinging from the strong limbs of the best trees beneath the shade they give, year round as dogs being walked lap refreshingly from overflowing streams trickling from freshly watered green lawns. we step out to centuries of brokenness that has landed on the souls of the people on the street, children finding ways to endure the heat and cold as they await the arrival of the metro, on benches marked by another hoping not to be seen in the dark but to be known by their unique colorful words, the dogs around here bark loudly from behind ten foot high fences as the homeless hopelessly swagger by...restless...so thirsty...waiting for water...

and then i ask how in this world, on this earth, in america, at work, at church, around the corner, on our front steps, in our homes ... can we bless and be so blessed with this space between us?

"Keeping Me Alive"

It's like I never lived
Before my life with you
So much was missing here
I never even knew
I still picture the place we were
When I fell into your world

My heart is in you
Where you go you carry me
I bleed
If you bleed
Your heart beats
Inside of me
You're keeping me alive

I don't know why feel this way
But something's right
You're like the morning air
Before the light arrives
No more lonely and
No more night
No more secrets to hide

My heart is in you
Where you go you carry me
I bleed
If you bleed
Your heart beats
Inside of me
You're keeping me alive

I'll hold you near
Together, we'll never die
Your love is keeping me alive

My heart is in you
Where you go you carry me
I bleed
If you bleed
Your heart beats
Inside of me
You're keeping me alive